September 19, 2024
DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife is a Sunday golfer, or claims to be. She gets up early, showers, gets all fixed up and then comes in to give me a peck on the cheek before heading out the door. Or so I thought.
It turns out, she has been telling me a bunch of malarkey. I caught her sneaking in through the back door last Sunday at 5 pm, still in her "golf" outfit but with a suspicious-looking controller in her hand. My initial thought was, what on earth is she up to? I watched her sneak off to the garage and not return for hours.
When she finally emerged, exhausted and a bit disheveled, I knew I had to confront her. "What were you doing out there?" I asked her casually, trying not to sound accusatory. Her response was predictable: "Oh, I was just, uh, working on my golf swing."
I may not be the most discerning individual, but I know my wife well enough to recognize a fib when I see one. I decided to do some digging. After a bit of snooping, I discovered her secret: she's been spending all her free time playing video games in the garage.
What's shocking is how good she is at it. I found a note with her username and some gaming stats - turns out, she's a pro at "Dark Souls" and has even been doing tournaments online. How did I not know this about my own wife? I felt like I'd been living a lie.
I confronted her again, this time more directly. I told her I knew she was a gamer and that it was okay. I even offered to try gaming with her. But here's the catch: she seems more skilled than she lets on. We started playing together, but the moment I got the hint I was about to beat her, she quickly exited the game, exasperated.
The most bizarre part, though, is that she's using this newfound competitive edge to even our marital "score." She will proudly triumphantly tell me when she finally wins more often than me at "Mario Kart", for instance. If her score gets ahead of mine by one point, she says "score even" and demands we put away the console until the evening. What an intriguing yet hilarious tradition!
Dear readers, here's my parting message for you: one thing to learn from this is if your score's even, it might be time to retire from game-playing. On second thought, just make sure to communicate openly with your partner about your gaming habits (and golf habits) for better accountability - no controllers necessary!