The Shocking Truth About Loving Your Partner to Death - and Hating Them Just the Same

It's often said there is a thin line between love and hate, but is it OK to sometimes hate your long-term partner? If you ask actress Jamie Lee Curtis, it's practically necessary. The actress once revealed that her 38-year marriage to actor Christopher Guest has survived thanks to one simple phrase: 'I love you, and I hate you.' This radical honesty, while uncomfortable, can be the key to a long-lasting and satisfying relationship.

The phrase might sound cliché or even toxic to some, but when Curtis said this, she didn't mean she literally hated her partner. Rather, she was acknowledging the inevitable frustration, anger, and resentment that can build up in a long-term partnership. This phrase became a trigger for them to stop and acknowledge their feelings, choosing to focus on working through their issues rather than letting resentment simmer.

But why is it that we find it so hard to admit our feelings, even to those we claim to love? One reason is societal pressure. We often feel like we have to put up a front, pretending that everything is perfect, even when it's not. Admitting our true feelings can be perceived as a sign of weakness or vulnerability. Social media platforms often exacerbate this issue by showcasing seemingly perfect relationships, fueling our feelings of inadequacy and shame.

Another reason is fear. We're afraid that if we express our true feelings, our partner might leave, get angry, or reject us. We're afraid that our love won't be enough to overcome our issues, or that we won't be able to work through them. This fear can be paralyzing, leading us to stay silent and pretend that everything is fine, even when it's not.

But what if, instead of running from these feelings, we learned to acknowledge and work with them? What if we accepted that loving someone doesn't mean we have to like them all the time, and that disagreeing or even hating each other sometimes is a normal part of any partnership? By doing so, we might find that our relationships become stronger and more authentic.

This concept is rooted in the idea of 'conflict' versus 'persecution' in relationships, as described by Dr Sue Johnson, a clinical psychologist and developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). According to Johnson, conflicts are inevitable, but persecution is not. Persecution occurs when one partner seeks to control or dominate the other, rather than acknowledging and working through their differences. In contrast, conflicts can actually be a sign of a healthy relationship, as long as both partners are able to acknowledge and respect each other's feelings.

By being honest with ourselves and our partner, by expressing our feelings and fears in a way that is respectful and open, we can begin to build a more authentic and honest relationship. We can learn to navigate conflicts in a way that brings us closer together, rather than driving us further apart. And we can recognize that it's okay to not be okay - that sometimes loving someone means accepting our own hate and frustration, and working through it together.

In the end, love and hate are not mutually exclusive. In fact, as Curtis so astutely put it, they can be two sides of the same coin. By acknowledging and embracing this complexity, we can build stronger, more resilient relationships - relationships that can withstand even the darkest of times.